Two years ago, I joined an online mmorpg because I wanted to escape real life and meet new people in a place where the impossible was possible. That place for me was Forsaken World. When I joined I fell in love with the graphics, the attention to detail on the land, the people and the skills. It was new and fresh to me, something I have never experienced. I dreamed about finding a world similar to that in Sword Art Online and with Forsaken World, I had found that world. However, it has been two years since I my arrival on this new world and I have come to regret every minute of it.
“I felt inadequate and useless; ashamed to do anything in fear of being ridiculed”
There is something you need to understand about this game; it is designed to make everything a competition. There are ranks even for who levels the fastest. People throw thousands of dollars to make sure they are in the top of those ranks. Either you are one of the best in a specific department or you are worthless. The ones at the top are called OP standing for Overpowered and those at the bottom are called noobs. As you can imagine I was a big noob but not only that a noob who was also a virgin to mmorpg. Everything is brand freak-en new to me including the language the players used to explain the game. Things like PVE or PVP held no meaning to me what so ever. During these times I was still so innocent and just wanted to have fun. But as time passes that innocence started disappearing. The game became way more serious and way more important then I intended it to. I became obsessed with becoming stronger. There was one particularly incident where I felt so confused because I still didn’t understand the basic concepts of the game, I asked a girl a question trying to clear up my frustration and instead of answering me and teaching me, she responded by laughing at my frustrations. This girl wasn’t a stranger, she was supposed to be a friend. A friend who made me feel inadequate and useless. I never spoke to her again.
“All of my fears and insecurities got heightened”
When you join this game; the initial instinct is to join a guild because the game has features that are meant for groups. Guilds are family; either fit in or you don’t. If you don’t you will have a difficult time in this kind of game. During my first year I joined a guild where I met my nest friend named Winters. This is the most important friendship because no matter how many times I screwed up or how many times I let my fears get the best of me, she always held her arms wide open upon my return to sanity. One of my biggest fears is abandonment. There is this constant voice in my head screaming that nobody loves me, or wants me or wants to be my friend. That voice screams how one by one they will leave me. I try to avoid pain as much as I can, thus my initial instinct is to leave them first. And boy did I leave. I left Winters about five times because I felt I was no longer wanted in the guild. She forgave me and welcomed me back each time. Even though she always stayed by my side, I lost other friends because of my fears. Not everyone is willing to deal with an emotionally unbalanced person.
“I got attached to people who just did not care”
Many people do not believe you can get attached to people in a virtual world. Those people have never been in a Virtual World. I am the type of person who loves deeply and passionately for people that I become close to. I will do anything for them and make sure that they know how much they mean to me. Around the ending of the first year of my gaming life, I joined a new guild for a fresh start and the family I always wanted. You will need a bit more back-story to fully understand what happened next. I was raised in a family that acted like I did not exist. I was never invited to the family pictures, I was never complimented or made feel special. I was just the girl in the corner staring at the floor. I longed for the family love and support that I never had. I wanted to find that so bad and when I joined this guild I thought I had. Then all the disappointments came knocking down one by one. Remember that voice from earlier? The one always telling me that I am not wanted; well that voice became louder and clearer but this time I saw the signs. It all started one night after the new patch arrived, everyone was excited to try out the new dungeon. We gathered our tanks and our healers for an 18 person raid. A few hours passed and it seemed our quest was coming to an end. People were getting tired and frustrated that the dragon would not die. Everyone decided to leave leaving myself and two others in the dungeon. I wanted to have fun and poke the dragon some more and that's what we did. We laughed as our bodies were getting burned over and over again. Accidentally, we discovered a plan that would help us to kill the dragon. We called in another healer and a few more damage dealers. Once we had the strategy down, we decided to call in a few more. It was eight people against a dragon and we fought our hardest. Our third healer died leaving myself and the second healer to heal the rest of the people. We all shouted in excitement when that dragon’s HP reached 0%! Then I heard it, the comment that changed everything for me. “I knew that all we needed was C’s heals to be it! Its all thanks to her!”. Well..... Damn. I guess all those hours I spent trying to figure out the strategy and all that heal spamming I did to make sure no one died was all for nothing cause as they said only on healer mattered in there and it sure wasn’t me. After that incident, all I wanted to do was tell my “big brother” how I was feeling. At the same time I felt bad for even feeling this way. I spoke to him in code trying to give a sign to what was going on in my head but those signs just never reached him. That’s when that voice became louder, I saw everyone in a new light. I noticed actions that I had never noticed before. I noticed people ignoring me when I tried to talk to them, I notice them giving each other compliments when I am sitting here waiting for confirmation that I belong here. From that point on, everything I did was a problem. If I ran around while people were away from keyboard I got screamed at. If I expressed the way I felt people got offended. I felt as though I was being pushed out of the circle. I grew attached to everyone in that guild. And because of that attachment I had three anxiety attacks.
The first anxiety attack I had the night I messaged my Senior about how I had developed a crush on him but I knew that he didn’t feel the same, I just wanted him to know. I wanted to talk and I wanted... I’m not sure exactly but I know what I did not want and that was to be ignored. I waited all night for a response. Nothing came, and I melted into a puddle of tears. I couldn’t breathe and felt like the air was being choked out of my body. I care so deeply for my friends. I feel more for friendships then I do relationships. When a guy rejects me, I just move on; the world is full of dicks in the sea. However, when a friend rejects me my whole world falls apart. I did eventually did get a response, 12 hours later and by that time it was too late. I was drowning right in front of you for 12 hours and now its too late to save me. I am already gone. The problem was that I wanted to be saved so bad but I was too far gone. This led to a series of unfortunate events and two more anxiety attacks.
The second anxiety attack happened after I quite the guild for the first time. There was a misunderstanding with a guild-mate on Facebook. I felt that I had done nothing wrong and all I wanted was for my friends to comfort me and support me. I quite the guild in rage of the confrontation and well.... I didn’t hear a word from them. Where was that comfort that I longed for. I still had the guilds vent information saved so I logged in to see if anyone was online and what did I find. Everyone was online talking to each other about what happened. Comforting the other guild-mate who was in the dispute with me but no one had reached for my hand. That made me angry, just remembering this makes my blood boil all over again. I started lashing out at them one by one. The common response was “I don’t care” and “we aren’t friends anymore”. That night was my second anxiety attack. Was no one able to see how much I was hurting? I wanted to be apart of that family so bad. To be loved and accepted but I also didn’t want to force myself into people’s hearts. I loved them all and I went back but once again the same treatment continued and I lashed out again. I felt like I was dying in a crowded movie theater filled with people I loved and no one cared to ask “are you okay?”.
The third anxiety attack happened recently and is by far the worse one. It is the reason I am even writing this at 5am. This happened two days ago. I had spent the last coupled months accepting that the people I love don’t love me. That they voted to band me from ever returning to the guild, that they ignore me when I call their name, that they see me right next to them and pretend they don’t. I finally felt like I was in a place where it didn’t hurt anymore. Fate decided that I needed a reminder. I was online having a good time with an old friend when a person that I have never spoken to decides to attack me in front of everyone, telling people that I have no friends cause no one likes me anymore. I was so shocked that what happened next did not residnate with me until a few hours later. The first person to defend was someone who I was not friends with anymore. The people that followed were people who had only spoken to me on occasion. I looked at my friends list and all of my friends were online. A few hours later new drama started and I tried my best to dim it down by being funny. I saw a few of my friends trying to do the same so I called out to them to try and continue their joke but I was ignored. I saw my friends respond to everyone else but me. Then I saw them sending support messages to each other, when not two hours ago I needed them and they decided not help. Not even a message afterwards asking “are you okay?”.
I have been depressed before back in high school. I was bullied by classmates and even some family members. I attempted to kill myself twice because I was so lonely and unwanted. This particular incident stabbed deeply into me. It drove me back to those dark times. I laid in my bed with my anxiety attack and watched myself drop back into a depression. I felt it happen when my light stopped burning. The two days that followed I did not speak. I spent my time facing the floor and locking myself in my room. I woke up today determined to break myself out of the depression. It was hard, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to save myself again.
I wanted this game to be full of fun memories and beautiful adventures. It just added to my heart breaks. I loved you all so much, and nothing hurts more then loving friendships that only exist in your mind. I love gaming and I won’t let these two years mark me forever. However, I am going to say goodbye to everything caused me pain. I am going to say goodbye to everyone who didn’t understand me and everyone who didn’t want to take the time to. As much as I love you all, I doubt I would survive another anxiety attack. My goal now is to live without fears and without pain. Goodbye is only a beginning for better things.
